The Network/La Red

Paint the Town (La) Red!

Thursday, April 19, 2012
Doors Open: 6:00 PM

mignacio asked: You seem to stress that abuse is attributed to one partner trying to gain power over the other in whatever way they choose. My question is that if both individuals act in the same manner (be it physical or any other type of "abuse"), what do you call it?

Thanks for your question!

A relationship in which both (or more) individuals are trying to use power and control over each other is not abusive. The relationship that you are describing is unhealthy. Abuse is defined by one person using power and control over the other(s).

* In polyamorous relationships, it may seem like more than one person is exerting control over another partner. What we at The Network/La Red know through survivor experience is that one person is exerting power and control and may get other partners to “gang up” on the survivor. (We will have more in-depth posts talking about polyamory to come!)

Sometimes in a relationship where abuse is happening we see the survivor using violent behavior against their abuser. In this situation, the relationship may be mislabeled as “mutually abusive”. If we take a closer look, we might see that the survivor uses this behavior as a means to protect themselves, to maintain boundaries, or to protect their children/pets/belongings.

Just as abusers choose to use tactics to gain and keep power and control over their partners, those who are abused may use strategies to keep themselves safer in order to survive.

At TNLR, we believe that it is important to look at the context, intent and effect of what’s happening in the relationship to establish whether or not abuse is happening. Those three components are important to us here because it is part of how we screen for abuse. We will have more to come on screening in the near future!

Hope that helps! :)

What is Partner Abuse? [trigger warning]

The Network/ La Red hotline: 617-742-4911 (voice) — 617-227-4911 (tty)

Hi all! Partner abuse is an enormous topic - one that we at The Network/La Red could talk about for a long time! In my own personal experience, going through TNLR’s required 70 hour training, speaking, interacting and working with survivors on a daily basis, the way I think about partner abuse has drastically changed, become more complicated and more encompassing.

What makes it most difficult for me to define partner abuse is that it can look so different, depending on the relationship. Partner abuse is even recognized by many other names like domestic violence, teen dating abuse, intimate partner violence, and/or battering.

It can look like your partner hitting or shoving you because you didn’t do your chores. Or your lover might threaten to out your status as an undocumented (or gay, lesbian, bi, trans*, polyamorous, SM, etc.) person if you ever leave. He might prevent you from expressing your gender, sexuality, religion, or cultural identity because it embarrasses him.

Maybe she withholds your medications or your hormones as a punishment for making her angry. Partner abuse could look like them explaining away their abuse by saying they’re just acting butch, or this is the way a lesbian, gay and/or SM relationship works. Your lover might monitor your finances, force you to share a bank account, or will jeopardize your job.

They rally your community to believe them or spread lies about how you don’t want to see your friends in order to keep you isolated. Your boyfriend might refuse to use safer sex practices with you, expose you to HIV or other STIs - or even force, or coerce you to have sex with him or others.

She could guilt you into seeing her after you want to cut off contact because her therapist said it would bring her closure. Ze could say that, actually, you are being abusive too, so it’s even. Or ze just has anger management issues, mood swings, an addiction to a substance, and/or unresolved childhood issues that make hir this way.

Maybe it’s all of these things, some of them, or other forms of abuse.

Maybe you feel like your world is getting smaller.

And I think that’s what it comes down to - the abuser takes control and will do everything in their power to keep it. It isn’t about a one time fight, it isn’t a bad high, it’s not because you did something unreasonable, and it isn’t because of your identity. Partner Abuse is not about size, strength, or who is “butch” or more masculine. It is about one person choosing to gain power and control over another. Abuse is a choice. One that can leave survivors with feelings of pain, fear, isolation, emptiness, sadness, anger, confusion, hopelessness, among many others. 

Will you take a stand to end partner abuse in our communities?

Important things to know about partner abuse:

• “Systematic pattern” – partner abuse is a pattern of control that happens over time, one person is trying to gain power and control over their partner.  This means that we cannot tell from a one-time instance if something is abuse or not.  Instead, we look at patterns.
• “One person” - Partner abuse is never mutual.  It is about one person in the relationship having power over the other person.

-Cassie

For more info on partner abuse, visit our wonderful and informative website here!
**The Network/La Red hotline: 617-742-4911 (voice) — 617-227-4911 (tty)

Who We Are & What We Do

Hey folks! Welcome to The Network/La Red’s brand new blog! It’s our first post so it seems fitting that we would use it to introduce ourselves. :)

The Network/La Red is a survivor-led social justice organization working to end partner abuse in lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer and/or transgender, BDSM, and polyamorous communities. Our work is rooted in anti-oppression principles - our aim is to create a world where all people are free from oppression. We strengthen our communities through organizing, education, and the provision of support services.

TNLR’s anti-oppression principles:

• Identify, confront, and take action against all forms of oppression
• Root our work in the experience of survivors
• Develop and encourage survivor leadership
• Support the ability and rights of individuals — especially survivors –to make their own decisions
• Recognize that individuals can simultaneously experience multiple forms of oppression and privilege. For example, while a white lesbian can experience oppression from homophobia, she also benefits from white privilege.
• Work in solidarity with other movements striving to end oppression and violence
• Hold ourselves and one another accountable to these principles

A few of our services include hotline, short term emergency shelter, support groups, safety planning, advocacy, technical assistance and community outreach and organizing. We will be highlighting our services, staff, volunteers and events in future posts, so be on the look out!

This blog will serve a conversation-starter, a resource for information, a place to ask questions, a space to share stories, and a way to get to know The Network/La Red.

We’re all reaaallyy excited! We hope you are too!